Pictures

Well yesterday my family went out to have my children's pictures taken professionally. They had such a great time and the photographer did an excellent job with them. I totally cannot wait until we get the finals back.

I started in the whole planning process for this having no intention of having my pictures taken at the same time. By yesterday morning, I had almost decided to go ahead and do it. I was still on the fence but I went ahead and fixed my hair and put on some make up and wore decent clothes. Not really with the conscious thought of having my picture taken, but just in case he got me in some of them then I wouldn't look horrible. After getting to the location and spending some time around the photographer and watching him work, I finally decided that I would like a couple of pictures of me with my girls and of me with my husband. DH and I haven't had our picture taken together in 10 years nearly. And honestly, I'm usually the person taking the pictures so I am rarely in them. Do I in 15 years want to look back and kick myself in the ass for not having pictures with my girls? Do I want my kids thinking that I was too ashamed of myself to have my pictures taken? Fuck no. My kids will never be 9 and 17 again. I will never have another chance for these times. I won't have any more kids. I'm missing out on sharing the experience with them. And they are missing out as well. And 40 years from now when I'm gone, they'll be missing out once again.

I am fat. I recognize that and I am dealing with it. But I am what I am right now and capturing moments on film is about capturing right now. This is who I am right now. I can't change that in the flick of a finger. If I'm unhappy with how I look, I shouldn't try to hide it from the world, because honestly, my ass is big, there's no hiding it. I can be comfortable and stay in my little shell and be miserable forever or I can step outside my comfort zone and own who I am and what I am and try to change what I am. One year from now, those pictures will be different, I will be different. I am undergoing many changes in myself right now and I like it. But I cannot pretend that who I am right now doesn't exist just because I do not like how I look.

The wonderful photographer sent me some sample proofs this morning. There's one of me with one of my 9 year olds. I love it. My first thought was "wow I look pretty." My DH even commented to me how pretty I looked. And I felt it was very sincere. He tells me often but sometimes it feels more like "just what you say" instead of how he truly feels.

I wonder, where My journey to a new me will take me next. What will I venture into next that changes me for the better? We'll see.