I stepped so far out of my comfort zone last weekend and sucked up the nerve to get my picture taken. Everyone said I wouldn't regret it. But they were wrong. I do, I seriously do regret it. We picked up our CD of pictures today. We get home and there's only 140ish pictures on the DC and I know he took tons more than that. Specific poses were missing. The picture of me and DH, the pictures of me solo, severl pictures of me with the girls and some of the girls. So DH calls him and asks him where they are. Photographer said that he left them off because he went through and picked out the best pictures to put on the CD. DH asked him to email us a couple of the "bad" pictures so that we could see what he's talking about. Well the 3 that he sent were 3 of me. One of them is me kissing my DH and the only thing I see wrong with it is a tag thingy I have on my eye. It looks horrible. In each of the pictures that thing is there. It's huge and it is ugly. Nothing else really is wrong with the pictures. He didn't burn them not because they were bad quality pictures but basically because I was ugly.
God I look aweful. I'm fat, double chins, fat poofy cheeks. My cheeks are so fat you can barely see my fucking nose when I smile. My nose and lips are even fat. This did not make me feel better about myself. It made me feel worse. I want to just cry and never step in front of a fucking camera again.
DH said he's going to talk to the photographer, but it's not his fault. He took some very good pictures of the girls. He just couldn't do anything with me, you can't fix ugly. I feel myself sinking quickly into the bad place and I do not want to go there. This is completely heart wrenching for me, I'm not sure that If I go to the bad place, I can come back.
I'm about to go to bed, tomorrow I will get up and work out. I will trudge on and pretend like I'm not disappointed as fuck that I can't even get a picture of me with my girls. They come out so bad the photographer won't even do anything with them. I know I used to be pretty. Can I get there again?
