I haven't posted in a while. Guess I've been slacking off with everything. Letting too many other things take over and distract me from my mission...taking care of myself. I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago. Fortunately all my blood work and blood pressure came back normal. Unfortunately, I've gained 12 pounds since last August. In all my efforts to lose weight, I have gained.
I almost hoped that my blood work would come back with something wrong, then I would have an excuse for being such a fuck up with my weight loss. I no longer have any excuses. Neat how those things are snatched away from us and force us to see our own faults.
I saw a video of myself the other night. I was 16 years old and had just had a baby. I looked good. At that point I thought I was horribly fat. In other videos I was older, heavier but in some, I didn't see that I look that much different now than I did then and yet I'm like 100 pounds or more heavier. I really don't understand that. How did I allow myself to become this. Where did my self esteem go? I must get it back, or I have lost myself completely.
That being said, it's time to get serious about losing weight. I've been giving it a half assed effort and I can not do that any longer. It's all or nothing, the way it should be. I can't eat healthy sometimes and exercise when I feel like it and expect my body to cooperate with what my brain wants. It's just confusing my body and making it hold on to what it has and that for sure, is not what I want.
I can no longer have my kids worrying about my health. I cannot have them concerned that I might have a heart attack. I do not want them to be embarrassed by my appearance. I do not want them following in my fat footsteps...one already is. I am a good mother but I am setting such a bad example with something so fucking important. How can I expect them to take care of themselves when I show them that I'm not important enough to take care of myself.
From now on, my priorities are changing. Now it is ME, kids, husband, work. I have to come first, or else nothing else falls into place.
Tomorrow is day one. We'll see how it goes.
