I've fallen off of the weight loss wagon hard core. Not only did I fall off, I bounced off road and the sat down and ate a tub of ice cream. Now the wagon is once again 3 miles head of me. I can barely even see the thing anymore and keep asking myself why I was on there to begin with.
Plain and simply, the answer is I'm fat. I do not like how I look. I do not like being slowed down. I do not like running out of breath. Don't get me wrong, overall I'm a happy person, just I don't like being fat.
That being said, I am now forced to stop and think about exactly why I keep falling, no wait, jumping off that wagon. I know the wagon is a safe and happy place that will take me where I want to go and yet, off I go of my own free will. I've been thinking about this pretty hard over the past 2 weeks and have come up with two things that cause fear to rock me to my core revolving around my bubble of safety...errr my fat.
1. The fear of losing my husband/family. I know, I know. Anyone that knows me and my husband at all, is sitting there thinking how utterly ludicrous that statement sounds. On our best days, Zero & I have a strange relationship. We started out backwards and pretty much have stayed that way. I was fat when we met, not this fat but still, he liked me just fine. Will he like me still if I lose 100+ pounds? Will I no longer appeal to him? Will I start getting attention from men? I used to all the time, when I was single, I loved it. How would I handle that now? How would Zero handle it? He tends to be a jealous person by nature, would it cause conflicts that aren't necessary? Will it turn me into a different person, one he doesn't like as much? Will it change my feelings towards him, especially if I change and lose weight but he doesn't? All these things are questions that my illogical brain comes up with.
2. Money. Money is a fundamental part of life. At one time we had very little to none of it. We struggled for years to get where we are, the point of being able to buy groceries and pay bills we need to pay. Not that many years ago we struggled to do that, we ate ramen noodles twice a day 3-4 times a week, we ate spaghetti, really cheap things to cook that stretch pretty far. We visited food banks at churches all in an effort to keep our family fed. I'm am petrified of being that way again. I think that what I eat and how I eat sometimes is purely because I CAN do so. We tend to over cook for dinner, I'll get seconds just because it's there and I can do so. Even if I'm full I have found myself doing it. It's like the dog that's been starved, he gobbles down his food and gorges himself because he doesn't know when his next meal will be. We're long passed having to eat Ramen noodles, I couldn't now if I wanted to, so I don't know why this fear of going hungry won't go away. We're working on cleaning up our finances so maybe once that is done, that fear will go away and be under control.
Ok so I know 2 problems, now, how do I get over myself and jump back on that wagon. I hear there's a tattoo shop at the end of the end of the trail and I need a new tat!
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