Growing up

Friday night my family attended my oldest daughter's high school homecoming football game. She's a senior this year so it is important for us to do all of these high school things. It seems like only a short time ago that I was a senior in high school. Of course I did not really attend many high school events, I had a baby to take care of. Now that baby is looking at graduation herself. That game Friday felt to me like the official start of the end of my baby, and the beginning of a wonderful young lady.

You see, my baby girl was and still is painfully shy and hates new situations. As a child, this kid would not speak to people that she had known her entire life. She interacted with family and close family friends, but that was it. Even at the age of 9 and 10, if someone gave her incorrect change she would rather just do without the change then have to speak to a sales person to correct the matter. We always had to force her to do things that she was afraid of. There were a lot of tears involved in it, but we felt we had to make her face some of her fears, just to show her that she can do something.

Friday night, however, my shy scared silly daughter walked out on the football field before the game with her friend and represented the senior class with the alumni association. Hundreds of people watching and looking at her, the announcer calling her name and talking about her. She did not flinch, she did not stumble, she did not fall. She walked out with her head held high and smiled the whole time. She found her inner strength and she worked it! She was scared shitless, I know she was, I could see it in her face. But she addressed that fear, and knocked it out of her way. I am so damn proud of her. It wasn't something we forced her to do, she volunteered for it, which just makes it all the better.

Up next we get graduation announcements, winter formal, prom, and hopefully a lot of fun times in between before the big day. My daughter who doesn't like being away from the family is applying to colleges out of state, and away from home. She's kind of iffy about doing so, but we're gently encouraging it. Even if she ends up going to one close to home and lives at home, well, she at least had the courage to apply to something farther away, and knows that she could do it.

It is truly amazing to watch your children grow and change and really come into themselves and take those steps into adulthood. My baby is going to go far.

Something to think about

I've fallen off of the weight loss wagon hard core. Not only did I fall off, I bounced off road and the sat down and ate a tub of ice cream. Now the wagon is once again 3 miles head of me. I can barely even see the thing anymore and keep asking myself why I was on there to begin with.

Plain and simply, the answer is I'm fat. I do not like how I look. I do not like being slowed down. I do not like running out of breath. Don't get me wrong, overall I'm a happy person, just I don't like being fat.

That being said, I am now forced to stop and think about exactly why I keep falling, no wait, jumping off that wagon. I know the wagon is a safe and happy place that will take me where I want to go and yet, off I go of my own free will. I've been thinking about this pretty hard over the past 2 weeks and have come up with two things that cause fear to rock me to my core revolving around my bubble of safety...errr my fat.

1. The fear of losing my husband/family. I know, I know. Anyone that knows me and my husband at all, is sitting there thinking how utterly ludicrous that statement sounds. On our best days, Zero & I have a strange relationship. We started out backwards and pretty much have stayed that way. I was fat when we met, not this fat but still, he liked me just fine. Will he like me still if I lose 100+ pounds? Will I no longer appeal to him? Will I start getting attention from men? I used to all the time, when I was single, I loved it. How would I handle that now? How would Zero handle it? He tends to be a jealous person by nature, would it cause conflicts that aren't necessary? Will it turn me into a different person, one he doesn't like as much? Will it change my feelings towards him, especially if I change and lose weight but he doesn't? All these things are questions that my illogical brain comes up with.

2. Money. Money is a fundamental part of life. At one time we had very little to none of it. We struggled for years to get where we are, the point of being able to buy groceries and pay bills we need to pay. Not that many years ago we struggled to do that, we ate ramen noodles twice a day 3-4 times a week, we ate spaghetti, really cheap things to cook that stretch pretty far. We visited food banks at churches all in an effort to keep our family fed. I'm am petrified of being that way again. I think that what I eat and how I eat sometimes is purely because I CAN do so. We tend to over cook for dinner, I'll get seconds just because it's there and I can do so. Even if I'm full I have found myself doing it. It's like the dog that's been starved, he gobbles down his food and gorges himself because he doesn't know when his next meal will be. We're long passed having to eat Ramen noodles, I couldn't now if I wanted to, so I don't know why this fear of going hungry won't go away. We're working on cleaning up our finances so maybe once that is done, that fear will go away and be under control.

Ok so I know 2 problems, now, how do I get over myself and jump back on that wagon. I hear there's a tattoo shop at the end of the end of the trail and I need a new tat!

Parenting and whatnot

Today is one of those days. I am very frustrated with my roll as a parent. I mean, I don't think I do a bad job at it, I just feel I'm not doing enough.

I get home in the evenings from a long tiring day dealing with morons and I have exactly 2.5 hours to spend with my 3 children before they have to go to bed. In that time you must include homework, any errands that can't wait until the weekend, cheer leading for the twins, dinner, showers, laundry, etc. When am I supposed to actually spend time with my kids? By the time the end of the day comes, I just want to veg alone and pass out in the bed.

I'm trying to get the twins on a better schedule for school and help one of them with her homework at night because she's having some problems. But hell, every time I try, something else comes up. Last night I got home at 9:00 p.m., just enough time to rush them through a shower and into bed. Ahhh the joys of parenting.

It frustrates me because I have to work. I liked being a stay at home mom. I honestly like my kids as people and enjoy being around them 95% of the time. But I have to work for the family to survive and maintain above the poverty line and sometimes I even feel like that I'm just pissing in the wind with that. I get sick of there being times that my kids need me and I'm at work and can't get to them, I'm sick of stressing over who's going to take off work to take a sick kid to the doctor, dentist, etc. I'm sick of having to attempt to schedule after school activities around who I can get a ride for. I'm sick of having to tell them no because I have nobody that can pick them up afterwards.

I work my ass off all day. I just about hate my job and do not want to be here. I put up with so much shit here it's not even funny and it's a full blown effort to not take it home with me and take it out on the kids.

I even quit exercising a couple months ago because it was taking too much time away from the kids, the husband, the house. I felt guilty for exercising and couldn't get anything done.

100% mom
100% worker
100% wife
*sigh* there's only 100% of me. If I give it all to one thing, everything else suffers. There's no balance. So here I spend another day sitting at this stupid desk feeling angry, bitter and resentful because I would rather be at home taking care of my family, because I believe that is what I am supposed to be doing, all because we have bills to pay and kids to feed. One paycheck just isn't enough anymore. It is a constant battle between work and home, and work usually wins.