My body is working against me.

I am trying very hard to lose weight. I’ve been working on eating better, eating less, working out, etc. The stuff normal people do to try to lose weight. I don’t want to take pills or go on fancy diets that promise fast results but aren’t sustainable for long term. I didn’t put on this weight in a short time, I won’t lose it in a short time and keep it off.

However, I feel that my own body is fighting against me. In 2005 I had a full hysterectomy at the age of 31. I have 3 daughters so I could care less about that aspect of it, but it did mess with my hormones pretty badly. I take HRT to prevent full blown menopause at 31. I did not want to take them because I hate being tied down to a daily pill. But, 4 years later, I am still taking them. I went without for about a week in 2006 when my beloved Granny died and I would not like to repeat that….EVER.

Summer 2007, I went to my wonderful doctor for the dreaded yearly check up and frankly told him that I was so stressed and just overwhelmed with everything, I was about ready to kill someone. He’s been seeing me for 11 years and fortunately took me seriously. He prescribed me Lexapro for the anxiety. That stuff was like a miracle drug or something. Within a few weeks I was as close to normal as I get. I wasn’t mad all the time, I wasn’t flying off the handle at the smallest things.

I went back to the doc in Summer 2008 for another check up and told the doctor how great I was doing on the Lexapro. Unfortunately I had gained 25 pounds. During this time I had been actively trying to lose weight and yet, I gained 25 fricken pounds. I asked the doc could the meds have caused this and he informed me that the Lexapro does cause increased cravings for carbs. He said I could stop taking it if that was a huge concern for me. He agreed that I needed to lose weight but it would be up to me. I decided that I would rather just be fat or have to work harder than to quit taking the pills.

Here I am now, Spring 2009. Hubby and I have joined the gym and been going a couple times a week since the end of January. We did miss 2 weeks when he had his lollipop removed and have just got back into going. I have realized in this time that whenever I work out, about an hour later, I get angry. Not just a little annoyed but down right pissed off. Nothing causes it, nothing that I have found triggers it, it just comes on out of no where. It is the pre-Lexapro me trying to rear its very ugly head. The harder I fight it, the madder I get. This only happens after I work out. If I don’t work out, I’m fine.

I called the doctor and he said to cut the Lexapro in half. That terrifies me. I don’t want to go back to the mean person I was. I don’t want my kids cringing and afraid of making me mad. I don’t want to jack up the chemicals in my body by just talking half. The alternative is to not work out or just deal with the anger issues afterwards and hope my body figures out how to deal with the endorphins fast.

So I am left with, be fat and unhealthy, potentially shortening my life span. Or I can work out, get thin and healthy but my kids will be terrified of me and my husband might divorce me for being a bitch, oh and the risk of losing my job is very high there too because I barely find the strength to keep my big mouth shut now.