Working out, etc.

We have been slacking off lately in regards to working out. Since Zerolove had his cancer removed from his back we have only been to the gym one time. Yup one time in two weeks and all we did then was walk the treadmill for 30 minutes.

There has been one reason or another for us to not go since then. Not even really good ones. We're scheduled to go tomorrow but our oldest daughter has an interview for a scholarship at 5:30 so we will miss the gym again.

We have made a pact that next week we will get back on track and back to going at least twice a week, on Tuesdays and Thursdays. We will hold to this. Slacking off another week is not an option.

Biggest Loser ~ Is it just me or are the contestants getting more and more whiney every season? I mean, what a bunch of cry babies. This group seems to be a whole lot of feel good, you're my friend, nice nice. And that's all fine and good but while they are supporting their friends, I think they need to remember the real reason they are on the show to begin with....to take care of THEMSELVES. Being nice and taking care of others does NOT hide the fact that you do not take care of yourself and you are not nice to yourself. If so, you wouldn't be where you are.

Hmm light bulb, guess that's my lesson for the week huh.

Confessions of a Teenage Mother IV

My daughter was born at 4:35 p.m. She weighed in at 7 pounds 11 3/4 ounces and 21 inches long. She had very little hair but was beautiful. Once my mother took her to the nursery, I didn't get to see her until almost 9:00 that night. I was furious, I just wanted to see her. But the nurses were bathing her, getting her cleaned up and checked out by the doctor.

The moment she was brought into the room and laid in my arms, my life changed forever. How cliche' right? Maybe so, but it is true. I had given birth to that beautiful baby and it was finally real, there was a real human being in my arms that belonged to me, only to me. This was what I had been waiting my whole life for. I felt that if I died right then, my destiny would have been completed, I gave birth to this child. She was going to be an amazing person some day, hell she already was.


My family and friends were all in the room waiting to see her so everyone got a turn to coo and goggle over her and hold her. After they all left and it was just me, the baby and my mother, I just held her and stared at her for the longest time. I scared the nurses to death though. I did not want her taken to the nursery and I was too sore that night to get up and put her back in the cradle so I just held her. I propped up on some pillows, laid her on my chest and the two of us slept. It turned out that that was how we slept the whole time we were in the hospital. It seemed right. I never have been much for what I'm "supposed" to do, I do what feels right to me. And holding that baby, breathing her baby air and giving my whole heart to her, felt just right.

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. There is a time and a place for everything. Very few people know this but before I got pregnant I was miserable with my life and suicidal. I had planned on how to do it, thought and thought and thought about it. I did not have anything that made me happy and felt like nobody would really miss me if I were gone. At the moment in this picture, I had something to live for. Someone who needed me and someone who would care if I were gone. Having that baby, at 16 years old, saved my life. She became my life.

Confessions of a Teenage Mother - III

I had a relatively normal pregnancy. I was sick as hell and puked for about 6-7 months. The first couple of months I lost weight because I couldn't eat a thing. Sausage made me the sickest. All you had to do was cook it in the house and it sent me running to the bathroom. Of course, my brother took full advantage of this and cooked it whenever possible. Even hours later the smell would linger and make me sick.

I had typing class first period and I am honestly surprised I passed. More often than not I was running out of there to vomit. Fortunately the class was in a separate building so I didn't have to hunt down a bathroom, just puke outside.

My doctor was horrible. I was on Medicaid and went to the only private doctor outside of the health department clinic I could find. I guess he had his fill of poor, teenaged pregnant people because he was an ass. I knew exactly when I got pregnant. Hell we had only had sex one time and he was the only one I slept with. Not hard to do the math there but the doctor refused to listen to me about it. He went by the date of my last period, which I couldn't remember and just threw out a date.

Anyway, he decided to induce labor on me. I'm not sure why other than it was coming up the weekend and right before spring break and he did not want to be bothered by me going into labor. I went in on Thursday, March 21, 1991 to be induced first thing in the morning. I wasnt' scared of labor, I guess I should have been, but I wasn't. My mother, Aunt, my friend Sharon cousins, brother, grandmother, hell just about my entire family was there with me. Back then the hospital didn't have the open L&D rooms that they have now so only a few people could come in at a time. My brother got a thrill out of teasing me with commercials and pictures in magazines of food because I couldn't eat. He's an ass.

The doc came in about 12 or so to check me. He said things weren't progressing and if it didn't pick up, he would have to do a c-section. THAT scared me. I freaked out completely. I'm not sure why that scared me more than a "normal" birth did though.

He came back in at 2:30 and determined that we would have to do a c-section. This caused a full on spastic freak out. I cried, had an anxiety attack and hyperventilated. I just knew I was going to die on that table.

I did not know then, in my immaturity and youth, that I could dictate how my child was to be born. I could have said no. I could have made him wait. The baby was in no distress. She just was not ready to come out yet. By my calculations, she had another two weeks or so to cook in there. I later learned that the doc had a golf game that afternoon and wanted to head out, and he was on call. Like I said, ass.

The combination of the epidural and whatever else they gave me, made me sick. I ended up throwing up while on the table, go figure, me puking haha. The baby still did not want to come out. I'm telling you, she was just about as far up into my rib cage as she could get. The doctor pushed and pulled to no avail. She was comfortable and determined to stay! He ended up using forecepts to get her out. Again, another case of if I had known then what I know now, that would not have happened. He got her out, at a cost, he bruised her face with the forecepts and cut her eye, a scar she still wears today.

I remember hearing her cry and just wanting to see her. My mother was in there with me the whole time and assured me that everything was okay.

When they laid that baby in my arm for the first time, my God it was instant love and facination. She was absolutely beautiful, even beaten up and mad like she was. I checked fingers and toes and cried. They had to take her though before I threw up on her. My mom took her to the nursery and I promptly went to sleep. I vaguely remember the doctor talking to me after they took her out of the OR and then later waking up in recovery and asking about her.

I didn't really wake up until a couple hours later in my room surrounded by my family just all waiting to welcome the new member of the family.

Confessions of a Teenage Mother - II

The evening that we all found out I was pregnant my mother went to the grocery store. She came home with a baby bottle, a bib and a rattle. I knew then that I was going to survive, at least until the baby was born. She wasn't going to kill me.

My friend David came over that night with his mom. He already knew I was pregnant, we had talked about it many times before. He offered to marry me so that I wouldn't have to do it alone. It was sweet and at the time David was one of my very best friends, but I wasn't into him like that and never would be. I would rather go at it alone than be in a marriage of duty. Plus, I was 100% sure that Scottie would come around. I was carrying his baby, how could he not right?

As days went by and people started finding out about the baby there were various reactions, many of which were very surprising. My aunt offered to adopt the baby if I wanted to adopt it out so that it would stay in the family and I would be able to see it. My very best friend Becky, we'd been friends since Kindergarten, her parents would not allow her to speak to me anymore. They were afraid I would be a bad influence on her. Little did they know at the time but she was way more of a slut than I ever would be. My friend Sharon became my biggest supporter.

At school things were more difficult than at home. Teachers accepted and gave me a good bit of flexibility with my work. I think they were just happy that I was still coming to school. The students however, it seemed like everyone that I knew divided. Either they believed and supported me, or supported Scottie and hated me. I was the topic of many rumors and some people seemed to take joy in telling me things about Scottie that would hurt me. Like who he was dating, things he was saying about me.

I was terribly hurt by Scottie's behavior but honestly, I was more hurt because his brother Danny couldn't talk to me anymore and we were really good friends. We even had a science class together and that just became uncomfortable. Life goes on as it must and I was having a baby. I was happy about it. I loved that baby and I was keeping it. My family supported me, and the rest, well it did not really matter all that much. It was trying and emotional but everything in life is so we dealt with it and moved on.

Confessions of a Teenage Mother

I don't know why, but I feel compelled to write about my experiences as a teenage mother. Before I start though, I want to say, do not feel sorry for me. Do not feel sorry for my daughter. We have a wonderful life and I do not regret one moment of the past 18 years. If you must feel sorry for someone, feel sorry for the man who gave her to me, but will never have the privilege of knowing her.

Now, do I start at the end and then go to the beginning or start at the beginning and leave you guessing. I like option two, after all, if you know how a story ends, what's the point in reading it?

When I was an infant, my father abandoned his family. The whys are not important, only the result are. As a result, I grew up in a home with just my mother. We had a decent life but there was always something missing in me. I always longed for the love of a father, wanted my father to come in on his white horse and tell me he didn't mean to leave, he was sorry. That never happened.

As I grew older, I still longed for that affection and as a lot of teenage girls do, I found teenage boys and they are all kinds of full of affection. I wanted boys to like me, I needed it. When I was 16 my brother moved back into the house with us and with him brought many visits by his many guy friends. I'd known most of these boys since my toddler days, but never really had any interest until in them until this time. I laid eyes on Scottie and you could probably have seen the little hearts and flowers floating above my head. And most importantly, he was interested too.

This between us developed as they do and it didn't take long before I was pregnant. I denied it, I hid the truth and just flat out refused to accept that my period being late was not just some fluke. I lived my life just as I always had. Got up in the mornings, puked my guts up, went to school, puked my guts up, came home, puked my guts up, did homework, watched tv, chatted with my friends on the phone, all the while, trying to ignore what my body was telling me.

I was doing good at hiding it too. Until one day, my mother, on the search for a piece of paper, found a diary I had written and realized what she too was trying to ignore/avoid. She checked me out of school and took me to the health department. And man she bitched and yelled and ranted and raved the whole way but the moment the doctor let us listen to that heartbeat, she shut up. After that, there was no more yelling, bitching, raving. It was just pure acceptance and pure terror for both of us.

That afternoon, we went to Scottie's house to speak with him and his mother. I talked to him outside while my mom spoke to his mom inside. He said he would do whatever he could to help, etc. His mother busted out the door and started slapping him upside the head out in the middle of the road once she found out. To be honest, that was pretty damn funny.

That night, he called me. He had talked with his mom about everything and she was willing to pay for it if I would have an abortion. I was 19 weeks pregnant. I said no thanks. I did not speak to him again for at least 3 years and have only spoke to him a very few times in the past 18 years. My brother took my side and no longer spoke to Scottie, as did most of their mutual friends. Scottie's siblings were no longer allowed to speak to me and he and his family took the stance that it was not his baby.

Wow this is longer than I thought it would be. I must get back to work so, toodles until another day.

The Twins are 10!

Ten years ago today my sweet little babies were born. They were big girls for twins, weighing in at 6lb 12 oz and 6lb and 5 oz. They had a few minor issues to deal with at birth but overall were healthy little bitties. They were quite the little blessings and quite a huge change in our lives.

Fast forward 10 years and they are still quite the little blessings. The changes the brought in our lives were so great. Today they are happy, healthy, ambitious, smart, outgoing, spunky 10 year old young ladies. As you can see, they played Princess for the day. As is their right, for all girls are princesses. And believe me, my girls, play that role very well.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRLS!!!!!!

Zerolove ~ update

I just wanted to give everyone a quick update. Zero got his cancerous mole removed yesterday. They had to cut into the muscle a little but they think they got all of the cancer out. He has 5 stitches and has to go back in 2 weeks to have them removed. Last night he was sore and took some Lortab. Apparently Lortab is not his friend, well at least it's not my friend when he takes it LOL. He was loopy as hell. Wanted to go to the store at 10:00 because he wanted a coke. He kept me up way passed my bedtime chattering to me. He finally got out of bed and came back at 3...again with the chatter. I thought I was going to have to smother him to get him to shut up and go to sleep LOL Oh well, it's all good.

Today's Friday woot! I have a busy weekend ahead of me. B'day party tomorrow for my best friend's granddaughter. Birthday party preparations for the twins whose birthday is on Sunday. Plus grocery shopping and of course, keeping Lortab boy out of trouble haha.

Have a great one everyone!

Toodles

Happy Anniversary to me!!!

This is what my wonderful husband got me for our 10th Anniversary. Our anniversary isn't until February 27th, but the twins' birthday is this Sunday and he wanted me to be able to use it at the party. He's an awesome husband!

It's just Cancer.

The words "just" and "cancer" do not belong in the same sentence. Yet when telling people about Zerolove's spot of skin cancer that he is having removed today, that is what I hear "Oh it's just skin cancer" or "It's just one little spot, they go in, cut it out and it's all fine." Okay, logically, I know these things are true most of the time. I know that Cancer can be caught in time to remove it and never have it return. I know that this is really no big deal and he'll be fine. At least in my head I know these things.

My heart however, sees things differently. My heart has fears and concerns that I won't even vocalize for fear of making them real.

I spent 15 years of my life watching my uncle fight and eventually lose a battle with cancer. I watched it eat away a little piece of him at a time until there was nothing left. I watched my aunt worry, cry, fight, go into debt and finally mourn because of Cancer. I heard the worry in my aunt's voice when I told her about Zerolove's cancer.

It is never "just" any kind of "cancer." If it was "no big deal" the doctor wouldn't need to remove it. They wouldn't check for it. Zero and I talked about the word cancer the other day and how frightening it is. We decided it should be called Lollipops instead. There's nothing scary about that word. You don't see the pity on people's faces when you say lollipop.

So today, Zero is having a lollipop removed from his back and hopefully he'll never have another lollipop.

So you had a bad day

We all have bad days every now and then. And some of us have bad days every day. Some of us are just not pleasant people to be around even.

It doesn't matter your reason for your bad day. You stopped taking your meds and you're crazy. You don't feel well. Someone stole your lunch money. It's raining. It's sunny. You fought with your spouse. Whatever. I do not care. If I did not cause your bad day, please do not take it out on me. If I caused it, please feel free to tell me what I did wrong if you're not sure I know. If I apologize, forgive me and get over it.

It is not necessary for you to huff and puff around for hours on end because someone pissed in your corn flakes 2 days ago. If you can't get over yourself, go somewhere else. One thing wrong does not mean everything is or will be wrong.

I am not your whipping post. I am not a child. I am noT incompetent. I am not ignorant and I am not a liar.

I do not take my bad day or mood out on you. I always treat you with respect and kindness. I do not think it too much to ask for me to expect to receive the same treatment.

I don't care if you feel that you need to yell at and belittle people to make them hear and obey you. Ohhhh you're a hardass. Nobody really cares. People do not respect you because you get loud and mean. They dislike you for it. Nobody is afraid of you. Just because others do not fight you back, does not mean we are frightened, it means we have better things to do and prefer to behave like, oh I don't know....adults.

Some things learned in childhood should not be forgotten:

Treat others how you want to be treated.
Respect is earned.
You cannot force someone to respect you.
If you make a mistake, say you're sorry.
If someone does something to you, forgive them.
Be kind.

Gym, Biggest Loser, and stuff

Okay so we're at 2 full weeks of hitting the gym. We're only going 2 days a week right now but man its nice. I am getting excited every Tuesday & Thursday because I know we're going to the gym and that I'm going to work out all the tension I have built up. Last night wasn't a great workout. I wasn't feeling 100% but I went and I completed the workout. I am proud of myself for that. Thursday I will make up for the slacking off last night.

After the gym we went to Walmart. I needed a new bra. I hate buying bras so I only do as rarely as I can get by with. I decided to look around at the clothes and sports bras and things like that hoping to find something to work out in. First of all the selection of workout clothing they have is only made for people that are sticks. And I'm no stick. Why is it so hard to find workout clothing for big girls? I mean seriously, we're the ones that really need to work out and yet there's nothing for us to wear to do it. And honestly, I wanna be cute in the gym too. I know more than one lady that got frustrated by not having anything to wear to work out in and quit for it.

Secondly, sports bras. OMG what a challenge that is. I should not have to pay $50+ bucks for a stupid bra to get sweaty in. I just want something plain and simple to hold the girls in place so I don't get black eyes. It's bad enough that when I run, the extra fat on my belly, arms, legs, etc. jiggles, but geesh having the girls beating on me and ending up sore is just adding insult to injury. The sports bras they have at places like Walmart MUST be made for those poor women that do not need much support or that can get by with no bra at all. However, most of us big girls, require more than a flimsy piece of stretchy cotton. Otherwise watch out! I know ladies that have had to wear 2 sports bras at the same time to control the chaos, or had to wear one smaller than what they needed and suffer being uncomfortable.

I wish the fashion industry would wake up. We're not all skinny. We don't all want to be skinny. We're not all perfect size B cups, or even C cups. We do not want to wear large flowers or bold stripes that do nothing more than emphasize our fat. We do not think it's cute when you take an outfit that was made for a size 6 and just make it a size 22 and call it plus sized. We also do not appreciate the fact that we have to pay more for that larger size. It's the same price if a buy a size 8 vs. a size 10, so why not the same price if I buy a 22?

Okay on to Biggest Loser and then I have to get back to work. I found last night's show interesting. I do not think their little home experiment went as well as they wanted it to. People did not come back from home showing large pounds lost. Two people did I know, but overall the losses were not that great. I love Jillian telling yellow team to stop the bullshit with excuses. However, the stuff Jillian came off with about losing inches instead of pounds.....well I am not sure how I feel about that. I have read all over the place that it's not about a number on the scale and that sometimes you will lose inches and not pounds. I mean obviously if you are working out like they do on BL campus and eating controlled like they are, you are going to lose weight. You are not going to lose inches and not pounds. However, for us average Joe's, I think a reasonable diet and exercise can have you losing inches and not pounds. Mostly because you can eat enough to keep the weight from dropping off but at the same time work out enough to tone the muscles up to show a inch loss. It seemed like, to me, bad information, or at least put out there badly. I am glad Joelle finally got kicked, she obviously did not want to be there, she was there for the money but did not want to put in the real effort.

Okay so anyway back to work!