Alone in a crowd.

It never ceases to amaze me how alone we all are in such a big and full world. With so many over weight people in this world, why do we always feel so alone? Why is it that we each think we are the only ones struggling with our weight, feeling the way we do, fighting our demons?

I get a lot of posts, comments, emails, tweets, etc. telling me "I understand." "I've been there." "I know how you feel." "I have that same problem." "I feel the same way." "I thought I was alone." "I'm glad you said that, I have felt it but never said it."

I do not know one overweight person that is not embarrassed about their weight. A lot of that embarrassment comes from stereotypes placed on us. A lot comes from mean names and insults we received as children. Some is based off of our own frustrations at not being able to do this one stupid thing. We can rule our world but we can't drop 5 pounds. We feel guilty for eating that Snickers when we're stressed, we're afraid someone will see us doing it and think badly of us. We're afraid to go to the gym, we're embarrassed to be there. Funny, I know, but true.

We all feel alone. We're all alone in a crowd. We see each other and look at each other and wonder "does s/he feel the same way I do?"

It's hard to reach out to someone else. It's hard to put yourself out there. Sometimes it's hard to face your own weight. If you don't acknowledge it then it's not true right?

Confessions ~ The End

I have decided to end my Confessions of a Teenage Mother thread here. I wish I had been able to blog when I was 16 and pregnant. Or 17 and a brand new mom. Or 18 graduating high school with a one year old. Or trying to figure out how to take care of a kid and work. Or when I was 21-24 going to college full time and working full time, with a kid to take care of too. How helpful it would have been to have a forum to express my feelings in without fear of being thought of as weak. Or someone thinking/saying that I shouldn't have had a kid, I was too young.

Things haven't always been easy. They also haven't always been hard. The hard has always balanced out with the easy; the good with the bad. Which is how life should be. Without the hard, we don't learn the lessons we need to be human; the hard makes us appreciate the easy more.

I am not a perfect parent. I have never professed to be perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. There are bad ones, and good ones, but not perfect. I had times when I wondered if I was doing the right thing. I had times when I wondered if Scottie wasn't right to walk away. 18 years later I can answer that honestly, yes I did the right thing; no he wasn't right to walk away.

Stephanie turned 18 last weekend. It is hard for me to believe that 19 years have passed since I was that terrified 16 year old kid having a kid. I think I have done a damn good job as a parent. Stephanie is one of the most amazing people I know. She has helped form me into who I am today all the while I was forming her into who she is.

Stephanie is going to do amazing things with her life. She's already done amazing things with my life, by just existing.

Brick Walls

I have little quotes and sayings taped up all over my walls in my little cube here. I thought I would share some of them and by doing so, help me remember why I chose that particular quote to put up.

"Brick walls are there for a reason, they let us prove how badly we want something." ~ Randy Pausch. This goes along with my Determination post this morning. I guess I'm not wanting to lose weight badly enough because obviously, I am standing in my own way.

"Rather than aiming for being perfect, just aim to be a little bit better than you were yesterday." ~ unknown. I tend to see things in black and white; right and wrong; yes and no; on or off. This little quote reminds me to try to see things in shades of gray instead. Okay so today isn't so great. That's why we have a tomorrow, it's almost like a do over.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." ~ unknown. This one is my favorite. Fear is something that we all live with. If you tell me you're never afraid, I'll call you a flat out liar. Normally I am fairly good at pushing fear out of me when it comes. If not push it out, at least ignore it, regulate it to the back of my mind. Yet with weight loss and getting healthy, I cannot seem to do that. I can't get over the fear, I can't rid myself of it and I can't push it to the back and forget about it. Whenever I try to self-analyze the fear, I back down. It's like a corner of my head is blocked off and whenever I try to go there, open that door, another part of my mind causes a distraction and I move on. Or I get my hand on the knob to open the door and then get to scared and run away from it.


Wtf right.

Anyway, hi ho, hi ho, it's back to work I go. Oh and feel free to post comments, I'd like to see who's reading, get thoughts, and well I'd like to see that someone IS reading haha.

Determination

As I watched Biggest Loser last night I realized what has been missing in my own struggles to lose weight.....the determination. I mean, I want to lose weight and be healthy, but frankly, I haven't WANTED it badly enough because I sure am not doing it. Where do you find that determination? What does it take to get it?

How did Tara pull herself up from everyone in the house basically wanting her gone to continue on to the next challenge. It wasn't that lame speech that Laura gave her. How did she find the strength, and not physical strength, to pull that car and even though she was way behind, keep pulling and pulling and pulling to ultimately get that car over the finish line. I probably would have jumped up on that car and yelled "Bite me bitches" after the race was over. That would probably be wrong but hell, I'm not always a right kind of person.

My logical mind says that a lot of that, if not all of it, was set up for television drama. This season's contestants are losing insane amounts of weight. Part of me says hey that's awesome, if they can do it, why can't I. The logical part of me says it's all set up and I can't do it because I don't have a one on one personal trainer, I don't have someone else buying and fixing my food, and I have kids and a job and things that prevent me from working out in a gym 6 hours a day.

Really, just because I can't do it like they do, does not mean I can't do it at all. I just need to find that determination within myself. Every other thing in my life I set out to do, I do and do it well. But this, something that is so important, I cannot seem to make myself do. I cannot find the strength, determination and will power.

To end, I say GO TARA. I hope she wins. I think they are setting her up to win, another woman winner to even things up a bit on their statistics, but nonetheless, she is losing weight, she is kicking ass. I would like to see one contestant that says it isn't about the money, truly make it not about the money. I would love to see someone go in there and say from the beginning that it's not about the money, and to prove it, donate their winnings to a charity, set up a scholarship fund for kids, something to show that it is not about the money and that will help others. Is money that great determination factor? Is that what it takes to do it? If so, I'm screwed.

Addiction

Lately issues with addiction have hit me close to home. There are all kinds of addictions out there from the obvious (alcohol, drugs, gambling) to the not so obvious (food, drink, use of lotion, makeup). Everyone has an addiction to something. Some addictions debilitate us so that we can barely, if at all, function in society. And others, are merely just something we do, they harm no one.

I have an addictive personality. It took me a long time to realize this and it is a constant struggle to overcome it. In my late teens and early 20s I partied and drank a lot. I stood on the edge of a full on addiction to booze. I loved it. I had fun. It made me feel good, it made me brave, it made me forget my misery. I grew up around drunks. I knew what kind of life that was. Fortunately, I was able to step away. I drink now, but I know my limits. I do it very rarely and never do I take a drink if I "need" one. I don't drink to forget, I don't drink to remember, I don't drink to feel better, I don't drink to be brave and I don't drink to feel good. But every time I do drink, I remember in the back of my mind, how easy it is to do it too much.

I smoked at one time too. Actually I smoked at several times in my life, on and off since I was 13. About 2 years ago, I put them down and said I was done. I haven't picked another up since. Smoking was easy to give up, it made me physically sick on my stomach at that point.

For a little while Zerolove & I played Everquest, an MMORPG. It was fun. It was a good way to escape for a little while. Before long, it wrapped us both up. We had 2 computers and would play together at the same time. We didn't pay much attention to the kids, didn't go anywhere. All of our free time was spent playing. One day we realized it was stupid and turned it off. We've tried a few games since then because hell they are fun. It is fun to escape for a little while. But we control more how long and how often we play. And we have rules set up, no playing after work, only play after the kids are gone to bed, certain things must be done first, no staying up passed a certain time to play. It keeps us in check.

On the flip side of the addict, you have the enabler. I never have understood the enabler. The enabler supplies the addict, they make excuses for the addict, they do whatever necessary to keep the addict happy. I have seen alcoholics whose wives make more excuses for the drinking problems than the alcoholic himself does. Oh he needs it to rest, that's just the way he is, his back hurts so he needs a drink, you name an excuse and I've probably heard it. I do not understand making yourself miserable because of someone else's problem.

All that being said, I have an addiction. I have an addiction to food. I use it to comfort myself, to make myself feel better, to get away from things for a few minutes. I have replaced my other addictions with food and this is how I have gotten to the weight that I am now. I think food is one of the hardest addictions to put down and walk away from. I mean, seriously, you have to have it to live. It's not like I can just say, I won't ever eat again. It is very hard for an addict to control how much and how often they have their drug of choice when they choose to quit. You have to just walk away and not have that drink, not smoke that cigarette, not pop that pill...ever. Most of the time, that addict cannot ever have another drink, etc. With food, you can't do that.

I have enablers too. My family. They don't mean to. It's the "lets have pizza" "lets get burgers" that gets me. I want them too so I agree. I want ice cream, I love ice cream. They want me to be happy so nobody says anything when I am sitting at 10:00 eating a bowl that is just a little too big of ice cream. There's big family dinners, holidays, celebrations. Office birthday parties, the bowl of M&Ms sitting on someone's desk that is kept filled all the time. Our society lives, breathes and dies on food. Everything centers around food. It's no wonder we are all so fat. Every where we turn there is more and more food. Servings are bigger, more preservatives, more fat, more calories. And we were taught to eat what is on our plate. Afterall, there are starving children somewhere in the world that would love to have that food.

Okay so, I've faced it. I've admitted it. Now it is time to do something about it. Time to replace this addiction with something less harmful to me and my body. Time to start treating food as what it is, something necessary for sustaining life. You never hear anyone becoming addicted to air......food should be the same way.

Confessions - VI

It's hard to get respect as a teenage mother. No matter what you do or how you act, people seem to have a preconceived notion that you are either trash or a slut. I was neither. I won't say I made a mistake because mistakes are things that have negative consequences and Steph has never been a negative thing. I wasn't on welfare and I knew exactly who "baby daddy" was, whether he admitted to it or not.

When Steph was small I didn't drive yet. Which was fine, I didn't have anything to drive, so my mother took us and went with us to all doctor's appointments and things like that. It drove me absolutely insane. My mother was great and tried really hard to let me be the mother. However, the "adults", i.e. the doctors, nurses, etc. always deferred to her on everything. I often had to remind them that I was the mother there and that they should speak to me about MY daughter. Sadly 18 years later, people still tend to have a hard time discussing Steph stuff with me if someone older is around. And it still drives me nuts.

That first summer was good. It gave me and Steph time to get to know each other and really adjust to our life together. I started my senior year of high school in August that year. I think more than one teacher was surprised to see me back. Most of the time, teenage moms didn't come back, didn't finish high school. Most ended up another welfare statistic with a 2nd baby by the age of 18. I refused to be that way.

My mother worked night shift. She came home and took care of the baby while I was in school. When I got home, I took over. She was a good baby. Didn't require a whole lot of hands on piddling with. She slept well, ate well and was healthy. Thank God. I guess whether you're 17 or 27, life with a newborn infant just goes on as it should.

Who knew the Botanical Gardens had a slide?

We spent a good part of Sunday out enjoying the Spring like weather. This is the Botanical Gardens in Birmingham, Alabama.

My kids and husband can find a good time anywhere I think.

New Post

I had every intention of putting up a new post last night after work.

However, after spending 45 minutes getting reamed after work yesterday sucked the desire to blog right out of me. Who doesn't love being told they don't work hard enough and spend too much time goofing off. I mean personally, I love having my work ethic and integrity brought into question by people that have zero clue as to what I do on a daily basis. It just highlights my day.

I went to bed early with a massive migraine instead of blogging. Today I feel sucked dry of all my energy and desire to go to work. I am having to remind myself that right now jobs are scarce and of why I go to that horrible place 5 days a week.

My body is working against me.

I am trying very hard to lose weight. I’ve been working on eating better, eating less, working out, etc. The stuff normal people do to try to lose weight. I don’t want to take pills or go on fancy diets that promise fast results but aren’t sustainable for long term. I didn’t put on this weight in a short time, I won’t lose it in a short time and keep it off.

However, I feel that my own body is fighting against me. In 2005 I had a full hysterectomy at the age of 31. I have 3 daughters so I could care less about that aspect of it, but it did mess with my hormones pretty badly. I take HRT to prevent full blown menopause at 31. I did not want to take them because I hate being tied down to a daily pill. But, 4 years later, I am still taking them. I went without for about a week in 2006 when my beloved Granny died and I would not like to repeat that….EVER.

Summer 2007, I went to my wonderful doctor for the dreaded yearly check up and frankly told him that I was so stressed and just overwhelmed with everything, I was about ready to kill someone. He’s been seeing me for 11 years and fortunately took me seriously. He prescribed me Lexapro for the anxiety. That stuff was like a miracle drug or something. Within a few weeks I was as close to normal as I get. I wasn’t mad all the time, I wasn’t flying off the handle at the smallest things.

I went back to the doc in Summer 2008 for another check up and told the doctor how great I was doing on the Lexapro. Unfortunately I had gained 25 pounds. During this time I had been actively trying to lose weight and yet, I gained 25 fricken pounds. I asked the doc could the meds have caused this and he informed me that the Lexapro does cause increased cravings for carbs. He said I could stop taking it if that was a huge concern for me. He agreed that I needed to lose weight but it would be up to me. I decided that I would rather just be fat or have to work harder than to quit taking the pills.

Here I am now, Spring 2009. Hubby and I have joined the gym and been going a couple times a week since the end of January. We did miss 2 weeks when he had his lollipop removed and have just got back into going. I have realized in this time that whenever I work out, about an hour later, I get angry. Not just a little annoyed but down right pissed off. Nothing causes it, nothing that I have found triggers it, it just comes on out of no where. It is the pre-Lexapro me trying to rear its very ugly head. The harder I fight it, the madder I get. This only happens after I work out. If I don’t work out, I’m fine.

I called the doctor and he said to cut the Lexapro in half. That terrifies me. I don’t want to go back to the mean person I was. I don’t want my kids cringing and afraid of making me mad. I don’t want to jack up the chemicals in my body by just talking half. The alternative is to not work out or just deal with the anger issues afterwards and hope my body figures out how to deal with the endorphins fast.

So I am left with, be fat and unhealthy, potentially shortening my life span. Or I can work out, get thin and healthy but my kids will be terrified of me and my husband might divorce me for being a bitch, oh and the risk of losing my job is very high there too because I barely find the strength to keep my big mouth shut now.

Confessions of a Teenage Mother V

We brought Stephanie home after 5 days in the hospital. I was ready to go after the first day but they wouldn't let me leave due to the C-section.

She was a great baby. I knew I would have to go back to school as soon as possible if I wanted to finish out the year with passing grades. The school was very understanding but they still expected the work to be done. Fortunately, Stephanie was born the Thursday before Spring Break so I had at least that week that wouldn't count against me. After that, I did make up work while she slept and went back to school when she was almost 3 weeks old.

I had made the decision to not feed her to get her to sleep, to not rock her, to not pat her. I felt it would be the best thing for both of us if she learned from the beginning to go to sleep on her own. I tried her in a bassinet but she hated it so I ended up putting her in a portable crib in whatever room I was in during the day and she slept in her crib at night.

Honestly that first month or so is kind of a blur for me now. I remember a couple of occasions where I would be sitting on the floor at the coffee table doing homework and she would be in a bouncy seat next to me while I bounced it with my knee. Holding a bottle with one hand and a pencil with the other. Whatever needed to be done, I did. I got up at night with her, changed, fed and put her back to bed. In the mornings I got up and fed her, got her ready for the day and headed out to school. At night I bathed her and got her ready for bed. My mother helped me a lot when she could but for the most part, I took care of the baby. Mom worked at night. She came home in the mornings and watched Stephanie during the day while I was in school. When I got home, I took over. It worked for us.

Thank God, Stephanie started sleeping through the night at about a month old. I fed and put her to bed late and she woke up early but I could sleep a full night.

We had a dog at that time, Rock. God he was so funny. The day we brought Stephanie home, he must have fallen in love. He never left her side for very long. Wherever she was, he was. If we were not in the room with her and she made a sound, he would come get someone and run back and forth until we went to see what was wrong with her. It was so funny.

To end this post today I am going to add that I thought for sure, once the baby was born, Scottie would come around. I just knew that he wouldn't be able to help himself, he would have to see her and once he did, he would want her. He never did and I was crushed. Richard later told me that Scottie had come to the hospital and saw her in the nursery but I'm not sure I believe that. I think Richard was trying to make me feel better. I would rather think he turned his back on her without ever having seen her than to think he saw her, looked at her and cared so little about that wonderful child that he walked away without looking back.

Happy Anniversary

Friday, February 27, 2009 was mine and Zerolove's 10th wedding anniversary. I planned on taking time that day to write something incredibly sweet and loving. We also planned on going out to a romantic dinner together after work.

However, work was evil and busy as crap all day long. I barely had time to think straight and at one point, had to tell everyone just leave me alone a few minutes and let me clean up my desk so that I could think straight.

Right at 2:00 the school called, one of the twins was sick with a fever. I called Zero and fortunately he was able to leave work and go pick her up, he went ahead and got sister too. It also stormed all day Friday and we had threats of tornadoes all over the place, typical Alabama weather. I stayed at work an hour late to get finished up and he delayed coming to get me because of the weather.

By the time he picked me up, he had 2 very sick and feverish children in the car. The oldest DD went out with friends for the evening. We had to stop at Walgreens and get them some medicine on the way home because their fevers were so high. Needless to say, we spent the evening taking care of them and our romantic dinner was McDonalds. Oldest DD came home and wasn't feeling great so she went on to bed.

I got up Saturday morning to 3 kids running fevers. Of course that makes for the best day ever LOL. Zero also wasn't feeling real well. After spending the morning running between kids, I left him to take care of them and I went to get groceries and stuff. I'm glad I did too because Sunday morning, we woke up to a nice covering of snow. And lets face it, I'm from Alabama, I don't know how to drive on snowy roads. Two of the kids were feeling better today. Only one still has a fever coming and going and an ear ache. She's staying home from school tomorrow, and I'll be staying home with her. Which means, Tuesday work will be hell.

Anyway. When Zero and I got married, people did not think we'd make it 2 years. We weren't real sure of that ourselves. Now it's been 10 married, and 11 together. We've had some ups and we've had some downs, and then, we've had some sitting on the bottom of the pit wondering wtf. We've managed to get through it all so far. I think that if we could make it through what we have, the next 10, 20, 30 years should be no problem. I love him more than I did the day we married and more than I ever thought I would love any human being that I didn't give birth to.

Snow pictures from March 1, 2009!

Kids are all pissed because they can't go outside. That's what happens when you've been sick all weekend, it sucks but too bad.

I'm going to take some more later, it was snowing pretty hard and I didn't want my camera getting wet.


Copper and Allie were not impressed with the snow. Allie barely would even go out to potty. Copper keeps going in and out, like he's testing to see if it's still there.