A look in the mirror.

I went shopping for clothes recently. I hate clothes shopping. It is worse for me than a root canal. But I needed something nice to wear to graduation so I dragged Stephanie out of bed and made her go with me. After 4 hours we found something pretty that looked okay on me. The biggest problem seemed to be finding a shirt to match the skirt I bought that was not skin tight despite being the correct size. The fashion industry has totally wacked up the sizing charts or something. I went to Target and got a pair of shorts, bought the correct size but did not feel like trying them on. I got home and tried them on, they were 2 sizes too small! I was like wtf.

I took those shorts back a couple of days later and in order to avoid a repeat incident, I tried the replacements on. Somehow in my shopping the Saturday before, I must have managed to not look into a mirror real good because when I looked in the mirror at Target that evening, I was flat out floored. I took a real good hard look at my body and was not happy with what I saw. How did I not realize sooner that I looked this way? When did gravity become such a bitch? How did I let this happen?

Then last weekend we went to the beach. Yes I put my fat ass into a bathing suit. Yes I made myself LOOK at me in that bathing suit. It made me want to vomit, but I wore it anyway. I'm trying to show the little ones it's okay to wear a bathing suit and be comfortable with your own body, even if I am faking it. To make matters worse, Stephanie took some pictures of me in said bathing suit. Ugh. I didn't delete them. Though I wanted to.

Deleting unflattering pictures does not take away the fact that I look that way. Avoiding the mirror changes nothing. Just because I don't see it, doesn't mean it's not there. So now I am forcing myself to look in the mirror and really look at myself at least once a day. I'm trying to find something positive, but that's not working too well for me. I'm too focused on the negative, but the negative reminds me what I need to do.

Biggest Loser - The Finale

The end of the season has come and gone and the results are in. And I must say, wow they were shocking.

Jerry the at home winner. A 60something year old grandfather lost a total of 177 pounds. That is amazing on one hand and on the other hand, is it really a healthy thing for him to have lost that much weight that fast. Yes I know he was home for six months, but in the grand scheme of things, six months is not that long. Experts say that a person should lose an average of 1-3 pounds a week for safe and maintainable weight loss. That would be no more than 72 pounds in a six month time frame and this man lost on average seven to ten pounds a week. That cannot be healthy. I know you're thinking that they lose 7-15 pounds a week on average at the ranch right. That is true. However, their week is actually more like 10 days and their diet and exercise programs are constantly watched over by trainers, doctors and dietitians. There are people on staff trained to make sure the contestants maintain good health while getting fit. Also they work out 6+ hours a day every day. What the hell was Jerry doing at home to drop that much weight that fast? It for sure is not something that an average person with a life, job, kids, etc. can do. Lastly, he didn't seem quite "right" to me. I discussed it with a co-worker yesterday and we both felt something was wrong with him. He didn't actually ever really speak real words and mostly just stood there looking confused.

Helen - Another older person won the grand prize. She lost a grand total of 140ish pounds weighing in at 114 pounds now. She started out at 250something. (I'm too lazy to check exact numbers, sorry). For someone that needed to lose that much weight, that is awesome. However, at 114 pounds I think the woman looks sick and unhealthy. That is not a healthy weight for her body frame. I cannot remember how much she left the ranch weighting but she lost a lot at home after the show and fast. Again this is not normal or obtainable for a person with an average life. I do not think she will be able to maintain that weight for very long and should not. I would say she needs to add maybe 10-15 pounds to look healthy.

Tara on the other hand looked AWESOME. She looked like she should look. Just the right weight for her frame. She glowed whereas Helen looked gaunt. Mike looked great too. Most everyone did really.

I think the show had two goals this season. 1. to show that "it" could be done at home and 2. to show that age is not really as big of a factor that most people believe it to be. Did they achieve those goals? Yeah I think so. The people that were at home longer lost weight. They did not do it as fast and did not lose as much as the ones on the ranch but that is the way it really works. People living their lives will lose slower because there are hundreds of outside factors that come into play everyday. Some did not do very well at all in my opinion. Namely 1/2 of the orange team and 1/2 of the silver team. But that shows that you really have to want it to get it. They from the beginning put in half assed effort and got half assed results. Hopefully they will keep trying, but without the lull of money to drive them, I doubt it.

They did show that age can be overcome with enough determination too. Overboard with some of the older contestants, yes, but they got their point across. You can exercise and lose weight at any age.

All in all, good season. I enjoyed some of the drama, like Bob's big explosion at Joelle. Of course some of it was too much but it wouldn't be "reality TV" without it. I love the charity aspect of the Pound for Pound Challenge. I would like to see some new trainer blood and I would like to see more actual at home stuff showing how contestants at home do it. I want to see how to fit in time around work and kids to eat healthy and work out every day and afford it too. I want to see how they do it, not just be told it can be done. Just about anything "can be done." But telling me it can isn't telling me how.

I have 3 kids, 2 dogs, 3 cats, a husband, a full time job and do consulting work on the side. I barely make it to the gym 2 times a week and groceries are expensive as hell and the healthier you get, the more it costs so somebody, show me how.

That is all for now. Must go get ready for another day at work. Much to do, much to do.

I am so stupid it hurts.

We made it to the gym again on Thursday for the 2nd time this week. We're on the right road to getting back in the habit of going. I was not feeling up for too much cardio so I only did 15 minutes on the treadmill. After that I wen to the Ladies Fitness area and did one full circuit of weights and cardio. I upped the weights to a challenging level and giggled at the ladies in there gossiping. Overall I felt better when I left than I did when I got there. I accomplished something.

Working out sometimes does something to my hormone balance. In a bad way. Usually by the time I get home I am usually on the edge of good mood or bad mood and it usually is teetering on the bad mood side. I cannot help it but I am learning to control it. If I am careful, I can most of the time keep it from turning into full on psychopathic anger but it takes the cooperation of everyone in the house. Namely don't bombard me when I walk in the door, don't mouth off to me and give me some space until it levels out. It doesn't take long for me to become human again.

Thursday when we got home we were both tired as hell and my mood was heading more towards bad than good and I was struggling to control it. Stephanie was cooking dinner and we were starving. I'm not sure how it happened, but the decision was made that nobody wanted what she was cooking and it was taking too long, even though it was almost done. So after 10 minutes of back and forth about it, I chunked some money at Zerolove and pretty much said do whatever you want, if you want pizza go get pizza, just feed me I'm hungry and then leave me alone.

Well, Zerolove is never one to turn down a pizza so that's what he went and got. And cheese bread. And buffalo kickers. And we sat down and ate, between the 5 of us and 2 dogs, 2 large pizzas, bread, and kickers. We did not even think about it while we were eating, we just ate. When we were done we looked at each other and said "well that was stupid."

Friday morning we both got up sore from the great work out and bloated and nasty feeling from the so so pizza. We discussed it on the way to work and admitted that we failed each other on that decision. There was no reason for us to eat out, especially pizza and we did it, because we could.

Biggest Loser 5/5/09

Finally I am trying to get back into the rhythm of going to the gym on a regular basis. It seems like every time I try to plan on going, life gets in the way. Sunday I left the hubby and the kids to finish up the weekly housework and went and met my friend Jen at the gym. I had a great time working out with her. Having someone to chat with while on the treadmill make it so much less tedious to do. I did not even realize how much time had passed until she said something about it. After the treadmill we did some weights in the Lady?s Fitness area. I really like doing weights in there so much better than out on the main floor. I always feel like people are staring at me and laughing when I?m on the main floor.

Zerolove and I made it to the gym again last night on the way home from work. We both considered making excuses not to go, but knew they were just that, excuses, so we went. This time we went our separate ways. We were there together, but not together while we were there. It was good. I got in a pretty decent workout and I think he did too.

Biggest Loser: Let me just say WOW. Bravo to all 4 contestants for doing the marathon. I knew Tara, Helen and Mike would make it across the finish line, and frankly knew that Tara would finish first. But for Ron to have walked that entire way was just amazing. He showed some strength and determination that I had not seen from him all season. Mike held out and made it even though he could not run, I hope he gives himself credit for his accomplishment. Not many people can walk 26 miles. I will admit that I got a little emotional with each contestant that crossed that finish line. It touched me how many people were there to support them and provide encouragement. It touches me to see how many friends and families show up when the contestants go home for a visit. With that much love and support, how could you possibly fail? Then again, at the same time, that much attention has got to be a huge stress factor. All those people watching your every move, every morsel of food. That has GOT to be hard.

I am trying to build up a support system. You need that support system in order to suceed. You need someone there to call bullshit on your excuses to skip the gym. Some one to give you that "look" when you're about to eat something unhealthy. Someone to hold your hand as you go along, or to just walk beside you so you are not alone. Someone to help you up when you fall and tell you it's okay, do better tomorrow. It is a rough road to travel and nearly impossible to do alone. I have a hard time asking for help. I have a hard time accepting help.